The "Euuuuhhhh" Side of the Dicknose: A Review of Teen Wolf Too, Part Oon

Well, now that I've covered everything I like about Teen Wolf, let's cover the leftover crap that dropped from the dog's dingleberries, shall we?

IT'S TEEN WOLF TOO!

OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT, 

PEE'IN WOLF POO!

I chose this image because it's much easier for me to tolerate this movie existing if I simply pretend it's just the sequel to some totally unrelated film called "Muchacho Lobo Uno".  

Let me make this clear: Teen Wolf Too is not the worst piece of garbage ever made.  

Not even close.  

Just painfully sub-mediocre.

It's one of those movies that you don't need to watch, because you already saw it, but done better. 

BACK WHEN IT WAS CALLED TEEN WOLF.  

That's right.  Teen Wolf Too ("Too" as in "also", as in "this movie just wants to be the first one, but again, and without any of the charm or storytelling logic.") is not a sequel in the true sense of the word, but is instead simply a remake of Teen Wolf Classic, with Scott Todd Howard becoming the most popular young werewolf at his High School College, using his new powers to win at Basketball Boxing, fuck Pamela Wells some forgettable skank, get harassed by a bully named Mick some forgettable dude with sunglasses as well as the Vice Principal Dean, but ultimately deciding to put his hairy alter-ego aside to win the Basketball Boxing championship and the heart of his true love, Boof some forgettable chick with glasses.

"Forgettable" is the operative word here.  As evidenced above, Teen Wolf Too retains the blueprint of the original movie, but substitutes most of the individual nuts and bolts with inferior knockoffs.  Likewise, plot elements that were connected in a (relatively) clean and logical sense in the first film are here either nonexistent or incredibly weak.  It's as if they took apart the first film and forgot how to put it back together properly. (Oh, wait, no, that's exactly what happened.)

In this sense, Teen Wolf Too is the example of how to remake a smash movie in all the wrong ways.  How many ways you ask?

I DUNNO, IT'S THE INTERNET, LET'S MAKE ANOTHER FUCKING LIST!!!

I was thinking that Google Image Search would never give me a funny image to work with when I searched "list", but then this gem came along.  "HEY GIRL, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR LEGS???  LOOK OUT, YOU'RE STEPPING ON YOUR OWN LIST!  YOU'RE GONNA SMUDGE THE INK!!!"

Great Chankery Stankery's list of boring, nice things to say before tearing in; aka Parts of Teen Wolf Too that Don't Suck Doggie Dong

1. The Acting

While there are some lackluster performances here and there, Teen Wolf Too's problems are not in the casting.  Weeeeell, I take that back, some of my biggest problems with this movie are due to the casting.  

What I'm trying to say is that, even with the casting choices I don't like, all of the principal actors do professional work.  The only downside to this is the fact that there's no laughably bad performances either.  Le sigh, c'est la vie, croissant, etc...  

2. Chubbs and Mr. Howard Return

Well at least two of the actors from the original Teen Wolf had nothing better going on had the class to show up for the second outing.  And boy are they milking this rapidly-dying cash cow for all the work they can get putting on the performances of their careers.

Jeez guys, why so serious?

While Mr. Howard is in this film for no real credible reason (Like his cousin Scott, Todd has an awkward case of "unexplained parental absence syndrome", but times two [or should I say 'too'?]), he at least reminds us that this movie is supposed to be in the same universe as the first one.

And Chubbs, well he actually comes out ahead, getting most of the film's slapstick routines and 100% of the fat jokes.  You could dare well say that Chubbs gets Mr. Howard's screen time from the first movie, and vice versa.  You go Chubby, go shake that Pee Wee movie money-maker.

3. Fuck, It's Still an 80's Movie

If I haven't said it before, I fucking LOVE the 80's.  It's nigh-impossible for me to hate something with every fiber of my being if it's also associated with the decade of my childhood.  So even excrement like Teen Wolf Too has at least that going for it.  

Plus, this gives me an opportunity to discuss the difference between early and late 1980's culture.  Teen Wolf Regular was an early 1980's movie, a time where the trends of the 1970's still clung to fragile life, and before the worst crimes of culture and fashion in the history of mankind were committed.  

I never watched Dallas, but... well, uh, apparently this is the cast of Dallas.  At least that's what the file name said.

And speaking of such crimes, the late 1980's was the tackier half of the decade, what with its eye-searing color schemes of red convertibles, aqua blue men's suits, and snow-white cocaine.  When people think of the 80's, they're usually thinking of the late 80's.  

To compare the Teen Wolves is to compare the two halves of the 1980's.  Whereas Teen Wolf Original is small-town and middle class, Teen Wolf Too takes five lines of fine-cut pure Colombian late 1980's to the face.  Fuck, the werewolf is just fucking literally given a red convertible and an aqua blue sports coat.    

Plus, though you can't tell in this lighting, but there is SO much coke trapped in that fur.    Shit soaks up dust like a chalkboard eraser.  

Most importantly, at least in this writer's opinion, is the fact that Teen Wolf Too employs one of my favorite staples of 80's flicks: The Montage.  

A Sports Montage?  I give this a big "Fuck Yeah!", but still, it's a pretty common 80's feat.  I wonder if this movie can take its montages to the next level...

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, THIS MOVIE FEATURES A RARE VINTAGE 1980's STUDYING/FUCKING GIRLFRIEND/STUDYING AGAIN MONTAGE!  

Wow, maybe I was wrong.  Maybe I've been too hard on this movie...  I forgot what I hated about it in the fir...

Stiles?  (Stuart Fratkin)?  Who's (Stuart Fratkin)?  Wait, is this... (Stuart... is he playing... Stiles?  

Somebody who isn't Jerry Levine is playing MY Stiles?  

Ohhhhh, bitches, it's all coming back.  Now I remember why this movie pisses me off.

In Part 2, I'm putting this puppy to sleep.  For the night.  To be woken up in the morning.  Because I'm not a puppy killer.  

But yeah, I'm gonna spit some mad shit next time.  Just ye wait.  

Keep It Stankin'