Word Avoision, First Sequence

To write means to be a man of words.  To be a man of words, however, requires spending years upon years learning metric Piss-Tons (TM) of words.  And sadly, not all of these words are good, fun, or even useful.  Many a writer squeals in delight at listing and lambasting those strings of syllables that offend them.

Sadly, I too am such a writer.  Despite my many attempts to "come original", there are certain threads of discourse in the world of scribblery that I find myself inextricably drawn to, like a Mothra to Monster Island.  And should I be ashamed for veering toward the flock from time to time?  Am I so different, so special, so unique, that I cannot touch on a subject simply because somebody else beat me to the punch?  

Hellz no.  I too can bleed, defecate, urinate, blow my nose, and occasionally vomit, just like the rest of the common rabble of the blogosphere. (More on fucking "blogosphere" in a moment.)

In short, I really wanna talk about a few words I hate, so I'MS GUNNA!  

Without further ado, here are some sequences of letters that have successfully enraged me:

"Blogosphere"

It would take me a very long time to rattle off all of the Internet-era portmanteaus that I despise, but I would always start with "Blogosphere".  Deriving itself from the hideous word "blog", which in turn comes from the quasimodo that is "weblog", "Blogosphere" is clearly one of those terms that its inventor was smugly satisfied with.  

Why yes, I am a white man with nerd glasses who is currently doing something conspicuously similar to what this guy is doing.  The difference is that I don't like coffee and I'm a far better human being.

I often imagine travelling back in time to the moment of the word's inception, doubtlessly at a Starbucks or some other fetid hovel of caffeine junkies:

"Herp a durr, I can combine 'blog' and 'atmosphere' to make 'blogosphere'.  Blorp-a-do, look at how clever I am," crows the 30's-something hipster.  

"NRRRRRGGGG..." said I, trying desperately to fry his laptop with my mind, hopefully causing him to comically spill his latte onto his tragically tiny set of genitalia.  

"ARGGH!" says the hipster, as his MacBook spews flecks of electricity at his shaved yuppie face.  

"ARGGH!" he says again, as his coffee boils his crotch.  

"What an awful experience," says the hipster, "I should talk about it in the blogosphere!"

At this point in the fantasy my psychic abilities turn back in on myself, and I perform the world's first self-induced headsplosion.  The hipster, witnessing this, mentions it in passing on his blog.  

"Pamper"

Here's a few images that come up when I Google Image Searched "pamper".  Think of this as a photographic essay whose message is "the word 'pamper' is garbage and should be murdered."

Looking at these three images, you'll notice that the first two are cartoons of women enjoying spa treatments (and what's up both black chicks having to sit all the way to the right?  RrrrrrAY-cissst...).  

The third image is of a product that is specifically designed for babies to piss and shit in.  

Putting together these two motifs of spoiled women and infant feces, we can see what the word "pamper" really calls to mind - mud masks of baby crap and pedicured feet dipped in steamy urine.*

At least that's what I think of, and you should too, if you have any decency.  Which you probably don't.

* - If that sounded appealing to you, then, well, you should...  really???

"Preggers"

As long as we're talking about baby-related words, let's prescribe this one some birth-control.  Zing!

I shit you not, this is really the first image that comes up when you search "Preggers".  Google Image Search, I don't always say this, but Bravo.  

You notice how most words that deal with serious, life-changing things don't have cutesie synonyms associated with them?  We don't euphemize murder as "murdies", or call cancer "canci-cans".  We don't call menopause "the m-pizzles", or genocide "a bad case of the gennies."   

Now, I know pregnancy isn't usually considered a bad thing, but it is a serious thing.  Your life, your responsibilities, your EVERYTHING changes when a baby comes into the mix.  So why, WHY I ASK YOU, is a word like "preggers" bandied about in this day and age?  

Imagine, if you would, that you were a man with two girlfriends.  Being a cad, you don't wear protection, and by every fault of your own you inseminate both of your special ladyfriends on the same day.  A week or two later, Girlfriend #1 comes up to you:

"Dear, I'm pregnant!"

Not long after, Girlfriend #2 comes up to you:

"Honey, I'm preggers!" 

Now which of these two women sounds ready to actually raise a child?  Knowing nothing else, just that one of them used the word "pregnant" and the other one "preggers."  

Which one has just told you "Sweetie, a heavy but important responsibility has befallen us, and it's up to us to be adults and accept both the burdens and blessings that are about to enter our lives."?  

Which one has just told you "Babe, I have a baby growing inside me and that's totally awesome because I'll have unconditional love forever and now I won't be the odd-girl-out in my high school Preggers Club!  I don't see how the future will be anything but sunshine and ponies and funtime!"?

It is absolutely no coincidence that the spread of the plague that is "preggers" coincides with the rise of teen pregnancy in this country.  Therefore, if we want to curb this epidemic of mass stupidity, we need to correct teenage girls when they use this poison word.  Since I'm not "supposed" to advocate face-punching as an appropriate form of correction, I'm going back to my mainstay:

That's right.  Shove that stupid Bieber-loving hussy in the nearest closet, and then pump your wet farts in.

ALL YOUR FARTS. 

Keep it Stankin'