I could be accused of these things. But such accusations would be false...
BECAUSE I BLAME OCTOBER!
Nestled as I am on the American East Coast, October is the last of the "Good Months" before the all-out ball-stomping suckaducksdongfest that are November, December, January, and that despicable old schoolmarm of a month, Febu-fuck-its-cold-and-sucks-and-if-im-single-i-get-painfully-reminded-of-being-single-and-if-im-seeing-somebody-i-have-to-do-a-bunch-of-fancy-shit-on-a-weeknight-and-id-rather-not-ary. October is my final huzzah.
In other words, I had shit going on. Like what, you ask?
I'm a big baseball fan, so when my two regional teams, the Nationals and the Orioles, both got into the playoffs, I was J-ing my P's like a B on a Z. October Baseball, at long last, was home again...
WELL GUESS HOW THAT WENT???
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| Lookeemee! I didn't want to use the headsplosion from Scanners again, so instead I made this lovely piece of art! |
After the MLB became dead to me for yet another year, I blasted some "Long December" by Counting Crows on repeat, threw my tear-and-piss-and-shit-stained pants back in my dresser, and dragged my headsploded self into bed. The resulting torpor lasted a week, and when I awoke, the world reeked of ash and sulfur. It was at this point that I remembered that I live next to a sulfur factory, which made my abysmal melancholy only worse. I had to seek comfort whilst I recuperated. Which brings me to...
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| ERR MER GERRRD U GERRS!!!! AH DEED ERRR PHURTURRSHURP!!! |
Shhchtar Trek: Deep Schpace Nine is a show that you might imagine, given my previous articles, that I watched as a blossoming young nerd. Nothing could be further from the truth. Simpsons took precedent, because this was the 90's, when the Simpsons was not just good, but as immaculate as The Goose that shat crystal iPads and laid golden snowglobes filled with shimmering visions of really hot porn.
With the advent of that wonderful American indulgence that is Netflix, I learned of the wonders and perils of DS9. Still reeling and near-comatose from the dual losses of my beloved Nats and O's, I mustered just enough strength to nudge the buttons on my Wii remote and start the first episode. With that, my energy was spent, and my body entered a long regenerative phase, much like Odo, one of the show's gooey shapeshifting protagonists. And speaking of gooey, that's sure what my bed was once I was done watching all seven seasons in a row!
And what a nougaty treat 'twas! There were so many moments that I would unironically call "classic", but here are my top six:
1. The crew has to hopscotch for their lives!
2. Dr. Bashir falls in love with a chick in a future-wheelchair, and everybody learns a little something about respecting those with disabilities. Also, they turn off the gravity and that bitch goes FLYIN!
3. Lwaxana Troi visits the station and inadvertently causes everybody to make out.
4. During a picnic, O'Brien's young daughter falls into one of those pesky, run-of-the-mill time vortexes that turns girls into cavewomen.
5. Jake gets seduced by a creativity vampire and Lwaxana Troi shows up pregnant.
6. Quark has to get a sex change because he gave his mother a heart attack, and then flashes his new tits at some dudes.
After a solid week of watching DS9, and another solid week of digging/chewing/clawing my way out of the fetid slime cocoon that my bed had become, I was a new man. With baseball purged from my mind, I had to breathe fresh air again. Wear a harlequin costume again. Stare at becleavaged women dressed as harlots of yore again. Craft bone armor out of discarded turkey legs again.
Off I went to live at the Renaissance Faire.
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| As hard to believe as it is, Google Image Search turns up nothing funny when you search "Renaissance Fair", so, uh, yeah, I just picked one. |
TO BAH CONTAHNUAHED!
Keep It Stankin'
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