"The Beawesomeining of Netflix" or "An appeal to Netflix for some of their money."

(WARNING: TODAY'S ARTICLE CONTAINS AWESOMENESS, COUPLED WITH AN UNBRIDLED LEVEL OF KISSING THE ASS OF NETFLIX IN A FRENCH FASHION.  IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER NO-SIREE IS SAID ASS-KISSERY A FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO GAIN SOME FORM OF SPONSORSHIP OR PITY MONEY FROM ASS-KISSEE.  ALSO, SOME OF THE STUFF I SHOW LATER MIGHT ENDANGER EITHER YOUR SOURCE OF INCOME OR YOUR APPETITE.  YOU'VE BEEN WARNED, TURDMUFFLERS.) 

Let's take a break from the bitching, shall we?  

Let's get back

TO

TEH 

AWAEEAASOMEYYY!!!

That's right, Cocktitulons (my AWESOME new name for you, my loyal readers), today I'm putting the acerbic bile aside, and in its stead putting forth...

AWESOMENESS!!!

WHEN AWESOME???

NOW!

WHAT TIME AWESOME?

TODAY!

WHAT AWESOME NOW TODAY?!?!?

NET-FUCKING-FLIX IS FUCKING AWESOME NOW TODAY!!!

When I got Netflix, I knew there were some good movies on there, like Tank Girl, maybe even a few great ones, like Robocop 3.  Movies that if I hadn't seen, I'd heard of.  Movies I know I'd want to watch at some point or another, but just hadn't gotten around to yet.  I signed up for Netflix because I wanted to see those movies.  That, and a living metric fuckton of Star Trek.  They've got lots of the TREKKAGE:  

What I wasn't prepared for, however, was all the AWESOME movies that I had never even known existed.  A Lost World, my readers, has been revealed to me, one far better than that 12-year-old-girl-kicking-a-motherfucking-veliociraptor-wow-really-how-fucking-imbicilic-does-Steven-Spielberg-think-we-are sequel to Jurassic Park.  (Oh wait, that was bitching, sorry, back on track now.)

What movies I have seen!  What joys!

Movies like... (I get slightly chubs just typing this) Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch:

I know what you're thinking: "Did Great Chankery Stankery just really recommend an Air Bud movie?" Well, not exactly.  You see, I just wanted to see a movie about a baseball-playing dog, not a cheesy kid's adventure featuring Al from Home Improvement.  I mean, come on, how am I gonna rub a toasty one out to Al from Home Improvement?

But with Netflix, I can just skip straight to those scintillating scenes of a dog playing baseball.  And does Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch deliver?  You bet my last kleenex it does!  Why, watch here as Air Bud WINS THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES!

Isn't that the best scene you've ever watched of a dog fielding a softly thrown baseball to complete  a double play to win the final game of the World Series, which is also inexplicably being played during the day?  

WELL IT SURE IS THE BEST ONE I'VE EVER SEEN! IN SPACE!

Also, if not for Netflix, I never would have seen Christopher Plummer HALT THE FUCKING FLOW OF TIME in the 1978 science fiction mega-epic Starcrash:

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANY OLD MAN BE SO COOL ABOUT FREEZING THE FLOW OF TIME?!?!?  MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU THINK DOC BROWN COULD BE SO CALM IN THAT SITUATION? PROBABLY NOT!  HE'D MOST LIKELY SAY "GREAT SCOTT!" OR "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH GRAVITY IN THE FUTURE?" OR SOME SHIT!  CHRIS PLUMMER DON'T FUCK 'ROUND, DAWG!  ARF ARF ARF!!!

Outside the realm of baseball-playing dogs and Space Magic, Netflix showed me Screwballs, a classic 80's teen sex romp in which a guy USES THE POWER OF HIS EJACULATE TO BOWL A STRIKE: 

(ON A TOTALLY AWESOME NOTE, THE FOLLOWING VIDEO IS PROBABLY NSFW, WHICH I BELIEVE IS INTERNETESE FOR "NAUGHTY STUFF FEATURING WANGS")

Man, the last time I had a bunch of women rub all over my naked body and call me by name, it was to get a ping-pong ball off my schlong.  Nor did it help my reputation when said ball fell limply to the floor upon my climaxing.  Ahhh, high school...

Speaking of which, by way of the 2010 magnum opus of teen drama, Cyberbully, I saw the true and AWESOME nature of bullying in the cyber fashion:

DUDE, DID YOU SEE HOW BADLY THAT SLUT GOT BURNED?  BECAUSE THE BEST WAY TO SHAME SOMEBODY IS TO WEAR A MASK AND MAKE VAGUE ACCUSATIONS WITHOUT ANY EVIDENCE!  INTERNET!  AWEEEEEESOME!  

Finally, Netflix introduced me to the world of Riki-Oh, the bruuuuutal Japanese prison movie about a guy who AWESOMELY kills and mutilates his way through half a prison:

(WARNING: POSSIBLE VOMIT/PINK SLIP VIDEO INCOMING, GRAND-PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED, BY WHICH I MEAN GET A GRANDPARENT OR GHOST OF A GRANDPARENT'S APPROVAL TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING CLIP)

WERE YOU NOT JUST AWESOMED???

I DARE YOU NOT TO HAVE JUST BEEN!!!

THANKS NETFLIX!

NETFLIX, CAN MAKE ME SPONSOR NOW?

GIVE MONEYS ME?

PLEASE?

IF YOU WEREN'T IMPRESSED MR NETFLIX, I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS:

Keep It Stankin'

NEW YURRS DURRBURR FEECHER!

It might seem to you, my dear reader, that I have once again abandoned my sacred duty here, leaving you all without so much as a post on Christmas or New Years.

It might seem to you that it would be a good time to make a New Year's Resolution - to update this young and supple blog on a more predictable basis, like, you know, once a week.

However, as is well established, the surest way to fail at something is to make it a New Year's Resolution.  It's a tale as old as time, a song as old as rhyme...

Aaaaaamanda aaaaand Nick theeeeee Beeeeeeaaaast! (Google Image Search wins again)

So while I won't make any guarantees on future returns, let me assure you, reader, that Heavy Excremetal is going to blow your shit up in 2013.  So be sure to get out of the bathroom in a hurry after you flush.

Before I get into the challenges of the New Year, I have a few loose ends to tie up and tickle mercilessly until they either die or give me the location of the kidnapped ambassador.  Enjoy, Excremities!

Why Teen Wolf Too is Not a Particularly Splendid Film, Part El Segundo

When last I wrote, I had listed off the parts of Teen Wolf Too that didn't entirely suck.  It would seem natural here that I would now list off the parts that did.  And so I will.  In due time.  Which is now.

1. The Non-Return of Coach Finstock

In Teen Wolf Good, Scott Howard is guided in the way of the hoops by Mr. I-couldn't-give-two-shits Coach Finstock, portrayed by the desquealeant Jay Tarses.  These following three minutes are the bulk of his appearance in the film:

Pretty fuckin' awesome for a character who gets three minutes of screen time, right?

I SAID RIGHT, BITCH!?

Well fuck what you think, I fuckin love this character.  He doesn't give a shit, has a shit job, probably has no wife or family to speak of, but he doesn't give a fuckin' fuck.  My kinda dude.

So yeah, look what the fuck they do with him in Tingling Wolf Balls Also:

You would be surprised how hard it was to find a picture of this dude.  

I couldn't find a Youtube clip to carry my point across, but hopefully you can tell from this still that this version of Coach Finstock, played by not-Jay Tarses, is a loser, a schlub who, in spite of being promoted to college boxing coach because of his werewolf-aided success with his... high school... uh... basketball team (because those two sports are so alike?), was somehow able to completely lose his zest for life between the two movies.  In this sequel Bobby's just a pessimistic douchebag who is incompetent and lazy and somehow doesn't see how that makes him better than everybody else.

So, uh, yeah, Boo-urns to that.

2. The crapdasciousally non-existent character connections

Remember how in Teen Wolf: The Fellowship of the Dicknoses, Scott Howard wanted more than anything to bang out Pamela Wells, the hottest girl at school?  And remember how Pamela is dating Mick, Scott's arch-nemesis in basketball?

Also, do you remember how Scott's other rival, the vice-principal, knew Scott's dad back when they were in high school?  Remember how Scott is obviously supposed to end up dating Boof, his childhood sweetheart, as they're so totally meant for each other?

No?  You weren't paying that much attention?  You were too busy enjoying life and not paying attention to stupid bullshit like the character backgrounds of second-rate 80's movies?  Well, since you're such an ignorant little shit, let me point out that the previously mentioned plot details are fairly decent scriptwriting decisions.

SURR GURRRS WHURRT DURRR SURRQURR DURRS, GURRS?

If you guessed that Teen Wolf: The Too Towers removed any and all sort of backstory or connection between the protagonist and antagonists, you'd be super fucking correct!  Todd Howard's boxing rival?  Just some dude.  The evil dean?  Just an evil dean.  Todd's object of unobtainable affection?  Two random women who are given all the characterization of wallpaper.  Todd's true love?  Some chick that he does some homework with, whose characterization makes wallpaper downright erotic.

Do you see, TWT?  Do you see what happens when you try to chop a movie into pieces and reassemble it, a la Boondock Saints 2?

3. That weird fucking makeup

Imma make this one quick.  Teen Wolf First:

Teen Wolf Second:

WHY DOES TEEN WOLF SECOND LOOK SO WEIRD?  And so... pasty white?  It just doesn't work for a werewolf, does it?  Michael J. Fox looks the part, but Jason Bateman looks like a lunatic who went around gluing wigs around his face.

4. What's up "Dog"?

Another quick one, but one that pisses me off to no end.

SO MANY TIMES in TWT they refer to Todd as a 'dog'.  I can understand the comparison, but they use the term more than 'werewolf'.  And it's a fucking WEREWOLF MOVIE.

So I guess the point is, say 'werewolf' instead of 'dog', dammit Beavis.

5. STILEEEEESSSS!

DID I MENTION THEY REPLACED STILES?

DID I????

CHEEEHHHEEEE!!! 

CHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!!!!

SKEWWWWWWEEEEEEWWWWWW!!!

PICTURED LEFT: NO STILES I KNOW

NO STILES I KNOW

NO STILES I KNOW

NO STILES I KNOW
NO STILES I KNOW

I KNOW NO STILES
I KNOW NO STILES

I KNOW NO STILES

I

KNOW

NO

STILES!

make stop... please make stop

how did they do this to you, Stiles?

what did they do to you, Jerry Levine?

i weep bloody tears

Shit That Has To Stop, Part II - Christmas Edition

The 12 Days of Christmas

A wittier writer might attempt to write this part of the article in verse, but wittier writers also have a bad habit of smelling their own farts, whereas my fart-smelling habit comes doctor-approved.  

You see, since I skipped my first annual Christmas article, I thought I would make it up to you now, over a week later, when the very last thing you want to think about would be Christmas.  

Specifically, I want to posit this question:

WHY IN FUCK'S NAME DOES ANYBODY, ANYWHERE ON THE PLANET, STILL SING THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS?

I chose this image not for humor, but because it is soooo completely complementing my mescaline binge. 

Like, really, do I need to explain why this song is so horrible?  It certainly was a bane of my childhood,  and I'm sure it was a bane of yours.  (Batman joke... just not coming... sorry guys)    

First, we all know there aren't twelve days of Christmas.  Even if we're going by one of those old timey 1800's church calendars, it's not like we get to enjoy twelve days of Christmas anyway.  All we do by continuing to sing this song is confuse children into thinking that they're going to get more fucking presents on December 26th.  (But to be fair, if I had kids, I'd trick them into thinking they were getting presents on December 25th.  Dem tasty tears...)

Second, the song is sooooo long.  It was clearly written in a time when Christmas carols were  one of few holiday-time alternatives to such activities as freezing your ass off or watching all of your friends and family die of tuberculosis.  Could you imagine living in such horrible times?  Singing the same shit, over and over, adding one turd to the skewer each time, until, by the time you're finished, you have a turd kebab long enough to feed a family of turd-eaters?  

Finally, and perhaps most offensive to the mind of a child, is the sheer crappiness of the gifts involved.  Look over the lyrics to the Twelve Days of Christmas.  Just look at them.  

LOOOOOOK AT THEMMMM!!  

If you LOOOOOOKED AT THEMMMMMM, you'll notice that the gifts in 12DoC (as I'm now dubbing it) fall into three categories:

1. Birds - Because what kid doesn't want a bunch of birds shitting all over the new toys their got on Christmas?

2. Rings - Because children are jewelry-and/or-marriage-obsessed young women???

3. People - Slaves!  Apparently fancy slaves, because my true love got me not just some peasant milkmaids and a few musicians, but also Lords and Ladies!  I wonder what palace my true love had to sack to get those?

GREAT GIFTS FOR KIDS, RIGHT?  

GREAT SONG FOR THE HOLIDAYS, RIGHT?

Please, next year, if you are a churchgoer or caroler in any position to stop this song from being sung, please, PLEASE, I beg you, direct your fellow carolers to this blog.  Let them see the light.  

Let's get a 12DoC-Free Christmas goin in 2013.  

If not for me, than for your children.  

Unless, of course, you want your kids to be bling-encrusted slave owners who live surrounded in bird filth.  

Keep It Stankin'