(WARNING: TODAY'S ARTICLE CONTAINS AWESOMENESS, COUPLED WITH AN UNBRIDLED LEVEL OF KISSING THE ASS OF NETFLIX IN A FRENCH FASHION. IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER NO-SIREE IS SAID ASS-KISSERY A FEEBLE ATTEMPT TO GAIN SOME FORM OF SPONSORSHIP OR PITY MONEY FROM ASS-KISSEE. ALSO, SOME OF THE STUFF I SHOW LATER MIGHT ENDANGER EITHER YOUR SOURCE OF INCOME OR YOUR APPETITE. YOU'VE BEEN WARNED, TURDMUFFLERS.)
Let's take a break from the bitching, shall we?
Let's get back
TO
TEH
AWAEEAASOMEYYY!!!
That's right, Cocktitulons (my AWESOME new name for you, my loyal readers), today I'm putting the acerbic bile aside, and in its stead putting forth...
AWESOMENESS!!!
WHEN AWESOME???
NOW!
WHAT TIME AWESOME?
TODAY!
WHAT AWESOME NOW TODAY?!?!?
NET-FUCKING-FLIX IS FUCKING AWESOME NOW TODAY!!!
When I got Netflix, I knew there were some good movies on there, like Tank Girl, maybe even a few great ones, like Robocop 3. Movies that if I hadn't seen, I'd heard of. Movies I know I'd want to watch at some point or another, but just hadn't gotten around to yet. I signed up for Netflix because I wanted to see those movies. That, and a living metric fuckton of Star Trek. They've got lots of the TREKKAGE:
What I wasn't prepared for, however, was all the AWESOME movies that I had never even known existed. A Lost World, my readers, has been revealed to me, one far better than that 12-year-old-girl-kicking-a-motherfucking-veliociraptor-wow-really-how-fucking-imbicilic-does-Steven-Spielberg-think-we-are sequel to Jurassic Park. (Oh wait, that was bitching, sorry, back on track now.)
What movies I have seen! What joys!
Movies like... (I get slightly chubs just typing this) Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch:
I know what you're thinking: "Did Great Chankery Stankery just really recommend an Air Bud movie?" Well, not exactly. You see, I just wanted to see a movie about a baseball-playing dog, not a cheesy kid's adventure featuring Al from Home Improvement. I mean, come on, how am I gonna rub a toasty one out to Al from Home Improvement?
But with Netflix, I can just skip straight to those scintillating scenes of a dog playing baseball. And does Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch deliver? You bet my last kleenex it does! Why, watch here as Air Bud WINS THE FUCKING WORLD SERIES!
Isn't that the best scene you've ever watched of a dog fielding a softly thrown baseball to complete a double play to win the final game of the World Series, which is also inexplicably being played during the day?
WELL IT SURE IS THE BEST ONE I'VE EVER SEEN! IN SPACE!
Also, if not for Netflix, I never would have seen Christopher Plummer HALT THE FUCKING FLOW OF TIME in the 1978 science fiction mega-epic Starcrash:
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANY OLD MAN BE SO COOL ABOUT FREEZING THE FLOW OF TIME?!?!? MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU THINK DOC BROWN COULD BE SO CALM IN THAT SITUATION? PROBABLY NOT! HE'D MOST LIKELY SAY "GREAT SCOTT!" OR "WHAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH GRAVITY IN THE FUTURE?" OR SOME SHIT! CHRIS PLUMMER DON'T FUCK 'ROUND, DAWG! ARF ARF ARF!!!
Outside the realm of baseball-playing dogs and Space Magic, Netflix showed me Screwballs, a classic 80's teen sex romp in which a guy USES THE POWER OF HIS EJACULATE TO BOWL A STRIKE:
(ON A TOTALLY AWESOME NOTE, THE FOLLOWING VIDEO IS PROBABLY NSFW, WHICH I BELIEVE IS INTERNETESE FOR "NAUGHTY STUFF FEATURING WANGS")
Man, the last time I had a bunch of women rub all over my naked body and call me by name, it was to get a ping-pong ball off my schlong. Nor did it help my reputation when said ball fell limply to the floor upon my climaxing. Ahhh, high school...
Speaking of which, by way of the 2010 magnum opus of teen drama, Cyberbully, I saw the true and AWESOME nature of bullying in the cyber fashion:
DUDE, DID YOU SEE HOW BADLY THAT SLUT GOT BURNED? BECAUSE THE BEST WAY TO SHAME SOMEBODY IS TO WEAR A MASK AND MAKE VAGUE ACCUSATIONS WITHOUT ANY EVIDENCE! INTERNET! AWEEEEEESOME!
Finally, Netflix introduced me to the world of Riki-Oh, the bruuuuutal Japanese prison movie about a guy who AWESOMELY kills and mutilates his way through half a prison:
(WARNING: POSSIBLE VOMIT/PINK SLIP VIDEO INCOMING, GRAND-PARENTAL DISCRETION IS ADVISED, BY WHICH I MEAN GET A GRANDPARENT OR GHOST OF A GRANDPARENT'S APPROVAL TO WATCH THE FOLLOWING CLIP)
WERE YOU NOT JUST AWESOMED???
I DARE YOU NOT TO HAVE JUST BEEN!!!
THANKS NETFLIX!
NETFLIX, CAN MAKE ME SPONSOR NOW?
GIVE MONEYS ME?
PLEASE?
IF YOU WEREN'T IMPRESSED MR NETFLIX, I LEAVE YOU WITH THIS:
Keep It Stankin'
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