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| Pictured: A drawing of an charlatan |
To quote the Internet, "Wut?"
Hold on, I know there's some photos of Stiles from Teen Wolf out there somewhere.
Lemme Google "stiles teen wolf":
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| 4 of 32? Man, it's hard to keep typing, what with all these capillaries bursting in my eyes... |
Oh, that's right, how could I forget about how MTV snuck into Michael J. Fox's house, stole some sperm from the REAL Teen Wolf, and used it to artificially inseminate one of Twilight's ovums?
I'm gonna adjust for that shit. Let me change that search to "stiles teen wolf 1985":
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| 5. 5 of 33. I wish there was some kind of reverse of the Count's "AHAHAH." Like a kind of feral death wail, but specifically for after you count something horrible. Like what you see above.
*Slams fist on desk* GOOOOOOOOO-GLLLLLLEEEEEE!!!! I'LL HAVE YOUR BADGE FOR THIS!
... ... ...
Deep fuckin' breaths here, deep fuckin breaths... Talk to me Stiles, talk to me.
Better.
(EDITORS NOTE: It was at this point in writing that this fine website decided that I was finished writing, even though I would go on to write the other 75% of this article. Once my apoplexy subsided, and I stopped being hoarse from all the screaming, and I cleaned up the blood, and once I disposed of my gnawed-off tongue, I returned to this article and wrote it again. I hope you'll forgive me if it isn't up to the standards of what you never got to read before. Hey, isn't that kinda like how the Book of Mormon was written?)
So, just exactly why is Stiles one of the cinema's greatest sidekicks? What makes him better than Short Round, Tonto, Robin, Snarf, and Orko all rolled into one giant hash-filled doobie?
LET ME COUNT THE WAYS!
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G. C. Stankery Professor Dicknose Michael J. Foxology 105 August 4th, 2012 Why Stiles is the Bestest Movie Character of the Time that is All
1. Stiles rocks your mom's world with his awesome T Shirts
"Hey Stiles. Nice shirt." - Mr. Howard, having not yet seen Stiles  Before every wannabe hipster in the country took to hunting them down, amazing T-Shirts were the sole domain of Stiles. Check out this beauty below:   
MY GOD! IT'S FULL OF STARS!
2. Stiles embodies the entrepreneurial spirit of the 1980's
Stiles, let us not forget, is a businessman of the 80's. He cuts through red tape, negotiates obstacles, and gets those goddamn labor unions busted. The first time we get to see his stunning marketplace acumen is at Tony's liquor store, where Stiles needs to get a keg of beer. However, because Stiles lives in a world of darkness and repression, Tony won't sell him that keg, because Stiles hasn't lived enough years for the old man's taste. What rancid bullshit. Stiles, however, doesn't let that shit bother him. You see, Stiles is a thinker among ignorant fools. So he comes up with a ingenious plan: just pretend to be older! BRILLONCATUDE!  Tony, because he is an ageist communist sheep obedient only to the state, still forces Stiles to show his ID. It's not because Stiles' performance wasn't convincing (it totally was), but because this old fuck is such a slave to the bureaucracy that he checks everybody's ID. The decrepit fuck is a basket of fried turds, served with a side of diarrhea for dipping, and also a fresh kosher pickle spear. But does that stop Stiles? FUCK NO! Stiles has his secret weapon: His best friend is also covertly a werewolf. You can argue all you want that Stiles didn't know Scott's secret at this point in the movie, and thus had no way of knowing that Scott would be successful. And I could argue that you've never actually watched a movie in your life, but instead just rolled your eyes around in front of a screen with moving pictures on it and never spent a single iota of your nearly nonexistent brainpower to comprehend what you just saw. And I would be right. Of course Stiles knew that Scott was a werewolf! How else could this teenage Trump so quickly turn his best friend into his own line of merchandise? 
Man, does this guy know his branding! Look at the beautiful design on the side of Stiles' Wolfmobile! Which brings me to my next point...
3. Stiles is an artistic visionary
 What, you think somebody OTHER than Stiles designed the Wolfmobile, the Teen Wolf shirts, the Teen Wolf frisbees, the Teen Wolf jackets? Hell no, sucka. In my personal original draft of Teen Wolf, of which only I have the sole remaining copy, it clearly establishes that Stiles is the best artist in a fifty mile radius. Dali and Picasso can spin in their graves like roast turkeys. They never designed T Shirts for their werewolf best friends, now did they?
4. Stiles will make your party rock harder than a T-Rex Steve Urkelbot on its period
 That keg Stiles wanted? He got it. That party he wanted to get into? HE GOT IN. And what does Stiles do when Stiles gets into a party?
HE TAKES THAT MOTHER FATHER SHUCKS THE FRAG OVER!
Does it matter that Stiles was only invited on the condition that he bring beer? Nope, once Stiles walks in that door, there's nothing to keep him from becoming the MC of a series of party games so debauched that most of them are only described in my aforementioned first-draft screenplay.
You thought Seven Minutes in Heaven was a game for middle schoolers? Stiles thinks YOU'RE the game for middle schoolers. You think pouring Jello down a girl's shirt is sexual harassment? Stiles thinks Sexual Harassment should pour Jello down your buttcrack, take a picture of it, and then post it on your facebook page.
This is Stiles' party now, bitches.
En conclusio, Stiles combines his voracious love of T shirts, his keen Gordo Gecko-esque financial wit, his prowess at graphic design, and his ability to turn keggers up to 11 into what is without a doubt the paragon of all secondary protagonists.
When next we return to the subject of Teen Wolf, such as when we discuss Teen Wolf Too and the Teen Wolf cartoon, you will now fully understand my outrage at the innumerable crimes committed in malice against Stiles and his character. And you, too, will cry tears of shame and anger, and swear swift revenge on all the Dicknoses of the world.
Until then, Wolf Buddies...
Keep it Stankin'
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