True Facts about the Antediluvian Internet

The Internet is a beast whose rise has been so meteoric that it's hard for kids these days to imagine a time before Facebook, Twitter, and Youtube.  They recall nothing of the Internet's Pax Romana, that 2400-baud modem shining on the hill that was the mid-1990's.  Oh, faithful reader, let me tell ye a story.

Once upon a time, back in 1994, a chubby young teenage child of the bourgeoisie was deemed too atrocious a handwriter by his parents, who decided to bestow upon him a laptop, with which he might type symbols that were discernable to other human beings.  That laptop came with a wonderful bonus, a free trial of America Oline:

You may have seen these being used by hipsters as coasters at a party.    Probably one where you had to take your shoes off.  

TEH FUTCHARRR!!!

So I plugged a phone wire into the wall, dialed up the service, and five to ten minutes later, BLAM, I was online just like that, letting my parents shell out over $10 an hour for the privilege.  My lifelong friendship-with-benefits with the World Wide Web had begun.  Nightly would we snuggle, safely shielded from the harsh light of the stars and moon, whispering to each other sweet nothings about the awesomeness of Star Wars, the captains of Star Trek, or our mutual respect for Donkey Kong Country.  In missives written with perfect spelling, grammar, and composition, our torrid love affair went on for years.  

If Al Gore didn't invent the Internet, then why's he on the cover, Bart?  Why's he on the cover?

My Stars and Garters, how like the ancient mariner we were, listening to our LeAnn Rimes CDs while our minds sailed, nay, surfed, upon makeshift rafts in a torrid sea-web of information.  How I pity the youth, for now that sea is clogged with bloated cruise ships, its rules contrived and manifold, and its language coarse and dishonorable.

Ah, but you lucky reader, you are not alone.  For Great Chankery Stankery is here for you.

Being the ancient age that I am (old enough to remember the 90's in their entirety), I would like to take my younger readers on a journey back in time to the Wild West days of the World Wide Web, When Webster Was Watched in Wyndication.  Also, Wanda Walter Watermelon.  

In what is quickly becoming my favorite game, this was the first image to come up on Google when I search "wanda walter watermelon"

Here, for your edification, are some useful factoids that you probably didn't know about the web of old.  That is, if you didn't CHEAT and READ AHEAD ALREADY, LIKE I KNOW YOU DID, YOU FUCKING CHEATER:



- While everybody knows about "lol", and to a lesser extent the variant "rotflmao", there are a few old            
   acronyms that didn't survive the 90's.  They include:
   
   "comdfits" - "cutting off my dick, feeding it to sharks"

   "tomjottottbtes" - "Troi episode, must jack off, then turn off the tv, because Troi episodes suck"

   "htsopbio3ktmhisbtglcbdvutrc" - "have to sign off, phone bill is over $3000 this month.  However, I  
     still believe that Geordi LaForge could beat Darth Vader under the right circumstances"

- It's true that if somebody picked up the phone while you were online, you would become disconnected.  However, if you were able to reproduce the high-pitched beeps and whistles of a modem just right, you could actually pick up the phone and have online conversations with your friend.  It made for hilarious pranks.  Michael Winslow in particular was great at this.  

This is Michael Winslow.  If you didn't get to know him yet, do so at once.

- Because loading pictures took a small eternity over a modem, getting nude pictures from (avowed)
  women was an evening's entertainment unto itself.  If I had friends over, we would take bets on
  whether she would end up having a dick.  They didn't know, however, that I had Dicktector (TM) for
  Windows 3.1.  Oh, and they usually had dicks.

- The first time somebody made an inappropriate comparison to Hitler online was when I wrote a long,  
  far-too-well-reasoned post on a Star Wars Imperial fan club forum about how the Galatic Empire had
  numerous similarities to the Nazis, and were therefore evil.  Man, did that not go over well, especially
  after I found out the Imperial Grand Admiral was Jewish.  Yeesh.*


- Every Wednesday from 8-9 PM was Star Wars trivia night in one of the chat rooms.  You had to
  know hard stuff, like the name of the A-Wing pilot who crashed into the Executor.  (Arvil Crynid)      
  The reward?  A free hour of AOL.**


- The creation of emoticons was, contrary to popular belief, an arduous and often deadly undertaking.
  247 souls were lost creating :P------0 alone.

* I'm afraid this one actually happened.
** Goddammit, this one actually happened too.


Ah my children, the moon wanes.  I shall return another night to read to you Colombo style, my Fred Savagelings.  Until then...

Keep It Stankin'