As long as we're swimming in the toilet, let's do another lap, only this time, we're dog-paddling. Oh, and now? Now it's personal.
Like, really, what you're about to read is too much information for anybody to handle.
Dare I say, what I am about to say is modern day heresy.
Ready???
Um, first, let me remind you I'm a straight male with an appropriately sized penis, because those are the sort of facts that are immediately brought into doubt when I tell people this.
Really Ready???
Shit... Ok, hurr goes....
I don't like blowjobs.
I'm sorry, what? You can't read that? Larger??? Well fuuuuuuuuuuuckk, ok...
I don't like blowjobs.
What sir? You say that you're almost entirely blind, largely due to the stupendous number of totally bodacious blowjobs you've had in your long and adventurous life? Eh? You need me to type what I just said in the biggest font possible? Very well...
I DON'T PARTICULARLY LIKE BLOWJOBS!
SIR!
...
...
Soooooo, while you get that ringing sound out of the depths of your psyche, allow me to answer a few questions:
"You've had a blowjob, right?" - Yes.
"You've had more than one then, yes?" - Yeah, more than I can count. Not that I would count, because I DON'T LIKE BLOWJOBS.
"So you're just saying you've never had a good one, correct?" - Nope, plenty of 'em seemed high quality to me. Just pretty sure it doesn't work. Might have something to do with the low sensitivity of my schlong, which could have been brought on by my tendency to jack off in toilet paper rolls lined with low-grit sandpaper. But... nah, mere speculation, nothing more.
"Why do you not like them? What does it feel like?" - It doesn't feel good, it feels like a wet fish flopping about on my junk.
"Are you asexual?" - Man, I wish, because then I would never be caught dead hanging around all these chicks offering me all these unwanted blowjobs.
"Are you a human male who was born a human female and male?" - Yes.
"Can I have your address, so I can come to your house, steal your nuts and berries, and donate them to a charity for the penile deprived?" - No, that's what Cyberdicks are for. Weren't you reading my last article?
"Fuck no." - You didn't answer in the form of a question. You now have -$400.
"This isn't Jeopardy, dickwad." - Aw shit, son, you did it again. -$800.
"Do you want that in cash or credit?" - Better.
 |
| No, no I don't find her facial expression sexy. Don't you get it yet??? |
While my dislike of receiving head gives me neither pride nor pleasure (well, obviously), it sure does make one hell of an icebreaker. Seriously, if you're a dude and you're reading this, try it out sometime. The next time you're at a party, casually mention that you hate blowjobs. The unique cocktail of shock, anger, and absolute disbelief is of a sickly sweet pungency, like a wet fart that you just have to smell in spite of yourself.
You think those photos I put up there are exaggerations? People seriously think that men (or as they might put it, "men") such as me are aberrants, twisted offshoots of the male gender that have somehow squirmed their way up the ladder of evolution and into modern times. Yes, when you announce your distaste for cocksuckery, outrage is guaranteed, so be sure to bring a camera, so you can compare your friends' reactions with those elicited from other stimuli, like openly declaring that you are legally changing your name to "Jerry Octomom Sandusky", or that you believe that man-horse marriage shouldn't just be legal, but mandatory.
Mortified expressions/screams aside, I have had some women appreciate the fact that I will not entreat fellatio. I'm sure that if I were to put the fact out there publicly, like on some sort of blog or something, some women would find me more attractive for it. But how many more women would just
simply not understand? "Dudes sure love blowjobs" is one of the prime axioms in the sexual education of a young woman, as obviously true as stating that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. And here I am, saying "the shortest distance between two points is... no sweetie, please, really, you don't have to do that. Now, I was saying, the shortest distance between two points is... babe, seriously, don't bother. It's not my thing. Really. I'm sure you do it well, but please, you don't have to. Honey, listen, I was gonna make a comparison between lines and points and how axioms are violated and oh fuck it. I don't like blowjobs. Period."
And blaaww - it's like I just thrust a mirror in a cat's face. Her female mind, uncomprehending, squirms and scrambles to escape. Her body follows suit.
"Hey babe, don't leave! I'll take a handy!" I plead.
But she's already gone. Because you can't thrust a mirror in a cat's face.
Sometimes, you have to suck it up about sucking off.
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| Hellz yeah, J Goldblastin' |
Keep it Stankin'
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