As fun as it is to go on an all out bitchtitsfest, I must acknowledge that the internet is already right chock full of bitches, tits, and fest. For in this day, regal Complaint is a sport of gentleman and yeoman alike, with quarry of all stocks and breeds everywhere to be found. Many are the noble legions of onlinesmen, quivers bursting to full, who daily train their bows on all manner of creatures, ideologies, deities, demons, customs, nations, genders, social mores, arts, and so many more things under the sun.
O, to be one of those Chivalric Huntsmen! O, to join their legions do I lustily yearn!
However, before I take up arms, plunging with mouth full-frothed into the abattoir of malice, shoulder-to-shoulder with my kinsmen in carping, I would like to take the time for a positive article. I want to talk about something entirely unimportant that I fucking love.
Yeah, you read the title right; it's Teen Wolf, bitches.
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| Pictured: Some Hardcore Bullshit |
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! FFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
THIS TEEN WOLF:
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| Oh, to be that frumpy girl on the left, if for but a moment... |
So, just why is (the real, proper, 1985) Teen Wolf one of my favorite movies of all time? OH, let me count the ways:
(Note: You must have seen the movie Teen Wolf to continue reading. It's not my rule, it's a physical property of the universe, like a Shrodinger's Wolf or somesuch.)
Nobody working on this gave a fuuuuuuck:
While Michael J. Fox was certainly known from Family Ties, Teen Wolf was actually filmed before Back to the Future, despite being released a month after. This means that the cast and crew had no idea that Michael J. Fox was going to be a box-office hit. As a result, there's very little ego in this film - for all anybody woud have known at the time, the whole thing could have been direct-to-video.
In short, this is a group of actors and extras who I genuinely believe were having fun. Go back and watch the party scene if you don't believe me.
The premise is the perfect blend of absurd and awesome:
Unless I'm totally misinformed, Teen Wolf is the first werewolf movie where nobody dies. (Well, unless you count Scott Howard's mom in the story, who apparently died of "Unexplained movie dead mom syndrome," but that doesn't even happen in the film.) That alone is gleefully absurd unto itself, until we consider a few other things. Think about the plot:
- Boy sucks at basketball on an even suckier team, also sucks at getting girls
- Boy finds out he is a mythological creature, gets bummed
- In full view of his entire school, Boy turns into mythological creature that has never publicly been seen before (I know, I know, the Vice Principal has clearly seen one, as we have found out, but I don't think he told anybody.)
- Whole town just stares, agape
- Wolf Boy plays basketball REALLY FUCKING WELL, his team actually wins a game
- The entire town wants to know if he can keep winning at basketball
That is the most spectacularly amazing (and totally unexplained) leap of logic I have ever heard of in any film, EVER. Can you imagine the conversation that those high schoolers were having after the game?
TOWNIE 1: *sparks a joint* "Woah, dude. I can't believe Scott is actually a werewolf. And that werewolves exist. Maybe this means, like, vampires exist too. And then if vampires exist, maybe so do ghosts. Shit, maybe even God is real, man." *puffs joint, passes*
TOWNIE 2: "Yeah, you could be right man." *sucks on j* "This throws all of our preconceived notions of science and nature out the window. I wonder if somebody will call the government, and they'll send, like, scientists down to study him and shit." *puffs again, holds breath*
TOWNIE 1: "That would suck, bro. The Beavers actually won a basketball game today. Maybe the entire town should, like, you know, pretend that there are no moral, spiritual, or metaphysical dimensions to what we have just beheld. Let's just keep letting him win at basketball, and make him the most popular kid at school."
TOWNIE 2: *releases breath, coughs violently* "Bodacious. I mean, it's not like werewolves have a reputation for violent, gory killing or anything."
Mind you that these two things together do not a classic movie make. Teen Wolf could have still been a fetid turd. But for the sake of your sanity and mine, I'll let my first two points marinate in your brain-sauce, and next time I return to this topic, we'll tear into the juicy meat of exactly what makes Teen Wolf tick. I'll give you a clue, it starts with "St" and ends with "iles":
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| Yes, you are a dicknose, and yes, what ARE you looking at, anyway? |
Oh, and my related bonus pic of the day:
Keep it Stankin'
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